Many readers ask me about letting go perhaps expecting to be touched by a magic wand -not necessarily by me- so as to forget. Letting go can be a long process depending on their circumstances and there's not one way to it, although there are steps that everyone can take to get there. Letting go is never about forgetting, but remembering with love.
Most people ask how to let go after a break up, sometimes years after it happens, to immediately follow their request by a statement that they have no intention of doing so. There are several reasons for this. It could be heartbreak, longing or resentment. Intention and commitment are essential to obtain positive results. When the intention is to hold on onto the idea of what could have been, all the energy is be directed towards a past situation that cannot be changed.
It is a misuse of the imagination and an energy that could be used to create a new, more pleasant reality instead. How we use such energy determines who we are, creating the emotional landscapes in which we live. Often the will to let go is thwarted by an unconscious motive. They either have idealised the other person to the extent of creating a perpetual longing for what they lost, or they seek revenge.
Who we are is none of the above, but everyone experiences reality from their level of perception. Both longing and resentment are part of the human experience. We have to go through it until we understand and overcome such stages.
Popular music or how one listens to it could make heartbreak a much more painful experience, and even turn letting go into an impossible journey that never begins. Making a soundtrack of heartbreak, pain and suffering has a strong element of self-mythology, which is usually scripted by the ego or super-ego.
To illustrate this point I'd like to share the experience of a young man in his mid twenties, who's somehow still lingering on the heartbreak he suffered when he was only sixteen years old. For months I heard of his suffering, which eventually turned into his inability to talk to women after his 'girlfriend' of two days chose to be with a more decisive boy.
From that moment on, his choice of music had a clear direction towards a self-defeating narrative. Every song he listened to spoke of a man whose feelings, not only were never reciprocated by the woman he loved, but that saw her marrying a different man.
Ego's compilation of music becomes part of our identity; and such false portrait of identity, an anchor to life. In this particular case echoing within the message that one is not enough. One of the goals in the healing process is to transcend and detach from identity without renouncing to our origins.
From the human perspective, it is normal to listen to popular songs that carry a heartbreaking message. These songs capture in a few lines what most people feel but cannot express neither in words nor in any other form, so they become perfect vehicles to channel feelings and emotions, as well as a sense of being understood. No matter who we are, heartbreak is a universal feeling, hence it's no wonder that certain songs touch every heart.
Listening to this type of music does not have to be a negative experience. It is what each individual makes of the experience. Such music can be cathartic and have a positive effect on the healing process, as it stimulates feeling, which in turn is essential in order to overcome emotional blocks. Feeling allows the body to release unwanted energies that have been stored within from childhood.
The trap appears when for example we listen to songs like 'Someone like you' by Adele and someone turns it into a flag of their pain. Nothing to do with the song, but with individual perspectives and interpretation. There is beauty in pain, and this song, one of many encapsulates all elements required to touch a heart, broken or not. If this song or any other song symbolises heartbreak and longing, as well as bringing memories of the lost lover, it creates a memory, that produces more unwanted energy and only serves to interfere in the process of healing. Every time that the song of choice is played, the individual regresses to a previous emotional state with little or no healing properties at all. In a way, it could turn into a masochistic practice.
Listening to this type of music with a bottle of vodka and a bucket of ice cream certainly does not help.
All relationships are about learning and integrating those qualities that attracted us from the other person. Heartbreak is an incredible opportunity to integrate these elements once the they have disappeared from our lives. If there has truly been love in the relationship, one way to honour and heal is through nurturing the positive memories both people shared.
An example of a popular song that celebrates love instead of dwelling on heartbreak is: 'If I ever leave this world alive' by Flogging Molly, as it conveys a message of gratitude in appreciation for the time spent together. The amount of songs that help to create a healing and loving energy after heartbreak are endless, and it is our responsibility to create a brighter mosaic of our lives and past relationships.
It's never the music, but how we listen to it. There is music that heals the heart.
Letting go requires an act of unconditional love for the other person, and can never take place while being resentful or in grief. While it is understandable that there must be a grieving period, there's a point in which we move on, so as to create a better life. Letting go does not mean we don't care or we don't love. Letting go is not only an act of selfless love, but self-love also.
Finally, no matter whether there's been love or not, nor the circumstances of the break up, love is always the answer. If it's not selfless or unconditional, it is not love.
Everyone has a responsibility towards others, to help improve everyone's lives by sharing our gifts, talents and offer the best of us. What we give to others, we give to ourselves.This concept is not as widely spread as it could be in the current flow of greed that intends to satisfy individual wants only, in part promoted by the erroneous belief of scarcity in the world. We confuse what we need with what we want. Greed is an energy that is never satisfied.
Seeking satisfaction through external sources gives away the true power that each of us holds within.
There's enough abundance on earth to provide for the needs of everyone, only that our priorities do not seem to match with the necessary harmony that promotes a healthy balance that satisfies humanity's needs, as well as safekeeping the planet. This world does not need another superfluous item. Our true crisis is spiritual.
I am a firm advocate in the belief that we have a responsibility towards others. However, this concept has to be read and understood wisely. One's own wisdom must be applied, so as to make sure that helping others does not become an obstacle towards our personal growth. First we have a responsibility towards ourselves.
We have to be selective for obvious reasons. While helping others is a responsibility, as this is the natural tendency of the higher self, it is also a voluntary decision. We do not have to do anything for anyone unless we want to. First we must provide for our own needs.
If helping someone means that we have to sacrifice something that it is essential to us, we must consider if the actions that follow create a healthy interaction with positive results for those involved. Sometimes what's essential to us is as simple as time and energy; others just one smile suffices.
The ideal interaction is that which offers an exchange of some sort benefiting everyone. Any situation that does not provide the best outcome for all parts creates an imbalance. This is clearly not the case, especially online, where people constantly ask for help offering nothing in return. It is also true that not everyone is in a position to help or even to offer anything to others. Perhaps if you're interested in helping others, you could allocate a limited amount of time to those who cannot reciprocate or return the favour. Finding a vehicle like this blog allows to share information with thousands of people.
Anyone committed to helping others must first find their own way to do so. It is essential to realise that one person cannot help everyone and be at peace with this knowledge. People will keep suffering without your help or contribution.
It is also important to know if the person asking for help is truly committed to change and do their work. Unfortunately many people are not truly committed. They might simply be seeking attention or use others as a past time.
Whatever reasons people might have to ask for help, it is not to be judged. The task of the the helper is to decide whether to help them or not. There are many reasons why people ask for help and everyone asks from their level of awareness. Not everyone is at the same level, and everyone needs and deserves help and recognition.
The reason why commitment is important is too obvious. The time allocated to someone who will do nothing with the time and energy invested in them could have been used to help someone else also in need and that is willing to do their work. Seeing how our time and effort is used unproductively will surely lead to exhaustion. Most healers burn out after a period. They know they can help. They know how to do the work and inspire others, but receive little or no benefit for their efforts.
To be burn out due to helping others can lead to exhaustion, resentment, regret and even to have a negative influence in our perception of the world and others. If helping others doesn't help you, it means that something is not working and action must be taken to turn this into a positive. Sometimes good intentions are not enough, especially when they serve the selfish needs of others.
While it is important to be committed to helping others, it is of no use to anyone if healers render themselves useless due to overdoing it.
Back to the notion that we have a responsibility towards others, when asking help from others, we do acquire this responsibility. The ideal scenario is that helps keeps moving forward and spreading to others, not only to one person. Seeing how help ends with one person to satisfy their immediate needs and with no willingness to spread the message or the same actions does not serve the purpose. The energy of helping others is one that must keep moving and reach as many as possible. The responsibility is for everyone, not only a few.
Helping others is also a learning process. Along the way we must learn to recognise those who ask constantly, almost daily and those who truly need and have to intention to make good use of our time and energy.
Finally, this blog post is neither to discourage anyone helping others, not to prevent anyone asking for help, but to create awareness that time, energy and resources must be use wisely by everyone involved in such interactions. Sometimes the best help is not to help at all. Helping is one thing, enabling someone's ego, however, it is an entirely different matter.
My new book is now available on Kindle.
This book is a journey through the all the phases of heartbreak, exploring its unknown or unperceived origins, and how it affects a person throughout life, influencing thinking, behaviour, personal choices, relationships and in particular the hurt after separation. It offers a simple, practical healing method with practices easily adaptable to everyone's experience, taking the reader to the liberating moment of letting go. It is also an examination of the stage of being in love, and how by listening to the call of the soul, anyone could live in a permanent state of bliss.
Read more on Amazon.
Other blog post you might enjoy:
Why your story is important and why it must be told
Using creativity to transcend ego towards universal love
When a man loves a woman