Blame Culture: Reasons Why Men Are Not Fully Growing.
Recently I published an article entitled 'All men are the same' in which I invited men to keep a respectful silence, while listening to this pledge made by most women, if not all, and for a good reason, in order to understand the eternal outcry, but also to explore and find different approaches and communication channels in relationships between genders. What needed to be said in this regard is written on that blog post. It's not today's subject. There's much to be said on this matter, but also a knowing that silence could do more good than harm, accept whatever responsibility each man has and begin to propose collective solutions from the standpoint of education in which every man is active participant, both as a student, and as a teacher. There's infinite wisdom in silence, which in this case is not to be understood as an admission of guilt by association, nor gender belonging. Silence is full of answers.
The world can only be changed with a new education system.
However threatening may be the current view that women have of men, there's a large number of us striving to bring changes, so as to contribute to the healthy transformation of the behaviour, beliefs and actions in men as a collective. Not all men represent, nor are a threat. The seeds are already planted and it is a matter of time until these changes are externalised, thus becoming the norm. It's true that one of the purposes of men is to create supportive spaces that favour both men and women, as well as the environment and all living creatures. Eventually we all will get there, although this alternative is one that is not currently explored by the majority.
There are positives in this equation. Men that are standing as leaders, promoting change by example, but also making conscious efforts to transmit a new message for all men, as well as for generations to come. When the coming generations look back in time not too far from now, they will see us as barbarians, while we continue living under the illusion of being a civilised society. It's not an easy task to transform a collective that for centuries has been subjected to the damaging energy of patriarchal society. While the patriarch is dying, there are still high numbers resisting change, holding on to a system which is decaying and obsolete.
There's also an irrefutable truth, most men do not want to embody the current standard male figure proposed by the patriarch. Knowing how or what to change is part of the problem. Change, whether it's personal or collective is not easy to implement, especially when there's no guidance, nor enough leaders that stand out to promote such change. The vast majority, both men and women, still continues listening to the psycho-babble of the standard world leaders, believing and buying lie after lie.
Social media is an incredible vehicle to bring new ideas, new social and behavioural models that contribute to create healthy changes to society. If used wisely, -which clearly is not-, the time period for such changes would be substantially reduced, and the world would dawn to a new, healthier reality that provides for the needs of everyone sooner. Unfortunately, the internet has become 'Vanity Fair' without the irony, depth, nor subtlety of the social critique that penetrate the human psyche so as to promote and implement any changes.
The internet has become the angry voice of a collective inner child that cannot get what they want functioning on a constant tantrum, beheading anything or anyone that makes them feel uncomfortable.
It is the Era of Being Offended. Anytime is a good time to insult and abuse others. So feeble has the human spirit become in the age of contentment.
Criticism by default.
It is unfair on many men to be heavily criticised for the mere fact of being male. It's conscious men who are keeping the silence, while working on the educational and social changes that must be implemented in order to bring down the tyranny of patriarchal society and raise a new type of man. These are not the men who need praise, although some kind of support wouldn't go unnoticed, nor unappreciated.
How can one help to bring a new reality to this world is a question any conscious person should be asking themselves every day. The answer is to bring the best of ourselves out; the inner revolution. No epic gestures required. This is all one can do, to become the best version of ourselves, and as we thrive in life others would follow. At our best, anyone can become a mentor to others.
The projection of fear doesn't promote healthy changes.
What the world needs is love; as love is what everyone wants. Abuse of any kind or negative criticism are sub-products of fear from whichever angle anyone wants to look at it. Fear has never brought anyone to a healthy change, quite the contrary; it can only cause more damage. Instead of causing a positive change, it helps people to deepen further in their beliefs having the opposite effect. It serves to strengthen and solidify people's ego, creating more resistance to change by perpetuating, and even worsening their behaviour. It's counter productive.
There's no constructive criticism.
A conscious man would be able to debate these subjects without the need to defend himself from standard accusations directed at the collective. It's also the conscious man who works obliged by a vow of sacred silence, but speaking volumes in different ways. However, there are men who having not reached certain levels of understanding on these matters due to lack of exposure, experience or education on healthy choices whose reactions might be violent -not necessarily physically- feeling persecuted for something they never did, crimes they never committed. Many of us do not feel alluded by this blame culture. We know who we are, what to do and where we're going.
The collective accusation towards men, when received personally causes more harm than good. It's no different from the heavy criticism that boys received as children, which in turn leads most people to believe that they're not good enough. The belief that one is bad for the simple fact of having been born a man equals the Christian dogma that claims that everyone has committed the original sin due to another simple fact: having being born.
Shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt play an important part in generating this energy that we keep feeding and throwing against each other, whilst too many believe they're we're morally superior to everyone else. The first reaction is to close down, build a shield, and in the case of men create more violent reactions. Any type of abuse causes a person to retrieve and adopt a defensive position. All persecution leads to resistance.
Living in fear one acts in fear.
While it cannot be asked that certain male actions or behaviour be forgiven, nor condoned, due to their inexcusable nature, it is possible to find healthier channels of communication which praise the good deeds of men too. Not all things male are negative or obscure.
This constant run-run of negativity has a damaging effect on the collective and personal male psyche. It's not the best platform from which one can bring any changes. It gets even worse when this wave of criticism is often due to a simple break up, a date gone wrong or simply meeting a man driven by selfish intentions. While this is certainly subject for a different article, it is necessary to mention that relationships end, and that one has to get used to the end. Everything in life is temporary however painful the experience may be.
It is important to understand that such fierce criticism is also reaching male children and young adults that are not yet fully developed, nor have the understanding or support to comprehend the reach and damage of the legacy of patriarchy. Education needs and has to be changed. There are already educational models which if implemented would bring an amazing, swift social change, which are not being seriously considered. There's a lot to say about apathy and the social involvement of the masses to promote and implement changes.
It's also important to denounce the impact that patriarchal society had on both men and women, but this might be a job for men to take on and re-educate the masses. Perhaps it would be best to leave to men the responsibility to deal with other men in order to bring these changes. Men distrust women's intentions, as women distrust men. The image of an angry woman proceeding to the character assassination of the whole male gender is no different from that of a frustrated, angry mother, to whom boys never listened. No one has an attitude of acceptance to fear, nor anything positive or creative has ever come out of it.
To praise good and conscious actions even in the most unconscious of men plants a seed of love, a sense of personal achievement encouraging the individual to seek more and new positive deeds and ideas. It's a positive and reaffirming validation of the individual, which in love develops and may blossom into a conscious man sooner than later. Constant punishment can only make a man angrier, more frustrated. There are enough angry men already. Let's not contribute to create more.
It's a long road we have ahead, but it's also a feasible one. Another factor that one has to understand is that the efforts made by so many good and conscious men in order to change the current climate suffer when there's criticism coming from all angles.
While men are responsible for giving a step forward, so as to put these changes into effect and create a safe space in which, both women and men can bring in their creativity to make a better world a reality, it is also true that more conscious efforts could be made by women in order to provide support for such movements. We do this together or not at all. Men need women, as much as women need men.
It's essential to build new channels of communication between men and women. Men are listening, willing to find a common ground, different platforms in which both genders may create a dialogue leading to healthier possibilities. This is a rare occurrence.
There's a shamelessly self-declared misogynist recently elected world leader with the support, admiration and vote of women. This fact in itself speaks volumes of the level of collective consciousness. It is necessary to point out that one of the reasons why relationships' dynamics are not changing is due to the fact that we keep choosing as partners, lovers and other forms and shapes of intimate relationships within the same basket. There's a tacit acceptance of what there is, as if the majority had given up on the idea of a better world. Better is possible. Everyone has an incredible potential to create the best version of themselves.
The loneliness of the conscious man.
There are wonderful men out there doing great work on themselves, promoting change, helping other men to create fluid communication with others in order to bring a new light to society, and who are taking on most, if not all the pressure that blame culture is throwing at the male collective. The efforts made are not always recognised. Day after day, these men see how women continue choosing identical partners and the same type of relationships that drives women to complain about the whole. It's not an attractive trait, and one easy to recognise.
The conscious man is patient. They'd rather be alone that engage in partnership with a woman who's still attracted by the same energy they so strongly criticise. It's a lost battle when a woman continues to choose more of the same because there's nothing and no one else around. To the conscious man, love is a plan A. He will only engage with a woman willing to work together on how to build a strong relationship. He might be available, but only to some.
Encouraging growth in men.
There are multiple avenues for a man to grow solidly that are yet to be explored. Men want love as women, regardless of what they may say, or even if they give a different impression. Alternatives are as much as collective as individual. Every man is a different universe. The problem is that men are encouraged to grow following a standard which might not meet particular needs. Finding support and encouragement to do this kind of work is often difficult.
I'm preparing a series of seminars, workshops and webinars which will be ready within weeks in order to build bridges between men and women, as well as giving insights and information on how it is possible to create loving and sacred spaces within a relationship where love, mutual respect and growth, both individually, as well as a couple is possible.
However hard the experience has been so far in life, every day is a new dawn in which to face a new reality. Men need as much appreciation and validation as women do. A new life, a new relationship or how to focus on it requires a new perspective and a new you. In order to find what we want, there are two important elements to consider. First, we have to say no to what we don't want. Two; we have to look until we see what we don't want. The fact that life and the current reality doesn't bring what we want, it doesn't mean that it's not there. We just have to look deeper.
Blaming per se all is one sure way to cut all possible, healthy communication.
Posted by Manel Blanco