It has not taken too long for the 'Me too' movement to follow the Harvey Weinstein sexual abuse allegations that recently hit Hollywood, creating a wide outcry against society's permissiveness and encouragement of sexual harassment and rape culture. The choice of a popular figure can be misleading, as it focuses the attention on the powerful, somehow diffusing it from the rest of social strata. Neither sexual harassment, nor rape culture has social status. With this movement there is a pronounced division of genders: male perpetrators, female victims or survivors. We do this together, or not at all.
Sexual abuse affects both, women and in lesser numbers, men. An act of aggression against any human being should not be divided by gender, but until society does not educate children to be just that; human beings, we will continue coexisting as male and female obsessed with our differences. Both, modern men and women are products of patriarchal society, a system that is equally damaging to either, even though the consequences affect both groups in different ways.
The movement 'Me too' intends to create awareness over the widespread habit of sexual harassment, sexual abuse and rape culture that targets women alone. At a simple look at social media, anyone can perceive that this is an issue that affects most women. Throughout history there have been numerous movements to create awareness and denounce numerous social issues, but if one thing has been missing from each, is the consistency to carry out a long term campaign that reaches the establishment. Social movements often wane down when a slight concession is made with promises of substantial changes that do not come.
There is an immediate and long due need to create change, and while there is little hope that governments or law makers do implement the appropriate amendments that positively influence people, the problem has to be recognised, and practical and spiritual solutions promoted and implemented.
Unfortunately, with this movement, and as Jackson Katz puts it: all the focus has been placed on women. Nothing is being said about men sexually abusing and raping. In Katz's words, which can be found on bellow, there is even a carefully crafted language that it is used to make it "a bad thing that happens to women." It must be a "pre-existing condition."
All answers to humanity's problems lie in people, reason for which governments, media, banks and politicians instigate division in order to control the masses. It requires that people come out of this stage of emotional numbness in which people manage to survive, but hardly live fully. Humanity cannot longer trust traditional leaders. They're now running a popularity contest, yet, their decisions remain unpopular while many people play the division game over what party is going to win. The evolution of humanity goes through small communities, groups and personal or small initiatives that contribute to make this world a better place. Certainly the solution of rape culture and the submission of women requires the disappearance of patriarchy through education. In the blog post 'All men are the same' I already offered a first step for men to pause and reflect on this global problem. It's not the final solution, but it is a step closer. Answers must be collective.
Patriarchy is emasculating men. Made up expressions such as "boys don't cry", "man up", "be a man" or "toughen up" act like energetic life sentences that condemn men to live unemotional lives. Removing emotion everything and everyone becomes superficial failing to see the depth, the heart, the feelings and hurt in others treating them as such. Thus a man becomes disembodied, disconnected from his true self, feeling through his penis. Lack of emotion serves to objectify women in order to satisfy sexual urges at any cost, never considering the consequences. Sexual energy becomes unbalanced, destructive. Sexual energy when channelled adequately is creative and an incredible source of abundance. Rape culture is real, widespread, condoned by the elites and affects everyone. It is the shame of men. No wonder we don't take steps to change this naturalised, as it does involve emotions that men do not want to deal with. The answer is in the Divine Masculine. It is time we educate ourselves and each other.
The 'me too' movement is bound to vanish like many other initiatives at the first sight of mass tragedy, being this natural or not, but it has found a collective voice that in my opinion should continue speaking out. So far, rape and sexual harassment or abuse has been traditionally understood as something that happens to women individually in most cases, it doesn't have the repercussion of a mass tragedy. #Metoo has changed this. There is a major outcry for anyone who wants to look with their heart to take note and begin to take steps to change it.
Of course, this movement has been met with the unconscious responses from many men arguing that it happens to men, that men are also abused, that men also suffer due to the mistreatment of women and so on. While this is true, it is not the time, as it sounds and it is an excuse to keep validating the abuse. In order to understand others, one has to listen to them. This attitude, which in any other context is kept by both men and women does not help to create a healthy dialogue. One cannot answer to someone else if first we do no understand the question, nor the emotion that lies behind, which is often the reason to reject the question.
Listening with all senses allows anyone that this is not a witch hunt, but an invitation to create much needed change.
Any kind of abuse affects that person who suffered it and everyone in their lives. It does also affect in personal relationships, as intimacy is damaged, often lost. The energy left by sexual abuse might stay with a victim/survivor a lifetime interfering in their relationships, and not only them, but their partners.The loss of intimacy, which affects both, men and women is one of the major cause of failed relationships. Intimacy is a far too deep and wide subject to deal with in just one blog post. New material will be published in the following weeks. Regaining intimacy could solve most of the problems in this world. This is when 'me first' becomes important, when we listen to ourselves, to our bodies, to sensual and sexual stimuli responding with openness in order to produce healthy responses. For now, let's allow the expression of this outcry, listening respectfully and in silence. It is a change of attitude that is needed, which requires pause, reflection and practical answers followed by action. And love, it does need love. Plenty of it!
I'd like to hear from both men and women who'd like to take practical steps to create initiatives that provide answers to these issues. If this is your case, do contact me on firstname.lastname@example.org
It's possible to find healthy solutions. Everything is possible.
To follow this blog and be notified of future blog posts on intimacy and relationships follow this link: Intimacy and relationships
Photo: Amy Weeks
The e-book, as well as the hard copy of 'Reuniting with the Twin Flame' is now available on Amazon.
There are numerous elements in a twin flame relationship that make the experience a special connection much sought after in recent years. The search of the twin flame is not only a personal awakening, but the reconnection with an instinctual memory worth seeking and experiencing. The connection with the twin flame is the reflection of a book of love in which one can see, feel and understand the other person, and through them, as well as through a shared experience understand the self. It is a fertile ground, a period of magic.
Over the past three years after the publication of several articles on this subject, there has been an overwhelming demand on unresolved issues on twin flames that are met in this book: ‘Reuniting with the twin flame’. It has been written with the intention to offer guidance, as well as to answer the large number of questions received during this period, also offering a flexible approach that can be applied to everyone’s reality. Inner guidance is also recommended in this book and how one might find it and/or follow it.
The text is encouraging of everyone’s quest of love, opening doors and new possibilities within relationships with the purpose to overcome the obstacles presented during the twin flame connection.
While it is a relationship characterised by intensity; it is raw and often overwhelming due to the deep connection and a sense of knowing between two people, it is also a fresh, creative space for limitless possibilities. One might feel exposed, but also beautiful, supported and loved. It is the return of forgotten memories and dreams.
It is also a time for deep feelings and emotions. How to navigate through the heart during this period is essential in order to grow, both personally and as a couple. The relationship is an adventure in itself, fear and demons do turn up to make themselves heard for one last time. However, the dynamic of the relationship is more festive than chaotic, more loving than antagonising. In time, people do realise that fears and demons are not as scary as they used to be, that being in love is a much more powerful force than the alternative.
The figure of the twin flame is explored in depth, as well as an account of the reasons why the twin flame appears in someone’s life, but also why they might choose to move on. Neither the longevity of the relationship, nor the end of it are predetermined. Everything can be changed and transformed with love.
There is also a study of deeper psychological and emotional issues that may affect this relationship or any other, as well as the relationship that one has with themselves, and how through understanding and awareness, the relationship can help to heal old wounds, bringing new light to love.
There is love and magic in the air. A quality that everyone can recognise. Twin flames are respected and admired throughout by others, as it is a powerful union that displays an extraordinary energy that touches everyone. As this energy is highly recognisable, as well as the deep, strong connection, it prevents interference from others. The twin flame relationship is often ground breaking. The complicity and merging of energies in both people combined characterised by fearless intention. Everything is possible during this relationship. Every moment creates a spark. Every interaction serves for inspiration. Conversations are deep and eloquent in actions. However challenging it may seem, making an effort to create a better self, and a new life by engaging in continuous inner work eventually pays off.
This book also explores and encourages how to strengthen the relationship with the self in order to create a solid and lasting relationship of a couple. The relationship between twin flames is not only intensity, emotions and deep connection. There is much more to it. It is rhythm and dynamism. A constant dance between two people in love. Both are perfect for each other, intimate accomplices in an adventure planted with limitless possibilities to reach a state of being that transcends their humanity. Such possibility is also intrinsic in the human being. Life is a series of choices, which, when answered with integrity, truth and authenticity opens channels to abundance. Abundance of everything and for all. Everyone is gifted with the necessary attributes that allow constant expansion. Everyone is a leader. Twin flames meet to teach each other love and self-love, and through such powerful vehicle to become aware of and practice their leadership. Then, all types of love can have the same effect. Why we continue taking love for granted is a story written in this book, and a question that everyone should ask themselves. To love and be loved is a privilege, not a birth right to be taken for granted. Truth can only be spoken with love.
To access this book on Amazon, follow this link.
Painting: Adrienne Seet
Painting: Adrienne Seet
'When the fall comes again'
I am mending the house
Where your absence hurts.
Removing from the windows
Stained memories that blind.
I opened the front door
In case you remember
And decide to come by.
But it is the burglar instead
The one lurking a heart.
I remember the swallows
The river, the bike rides.
I remember the walks,
The rain of the fall
The sound of your name.
I forgot I didn’t know you.
I forgot to forget.
I will follow the swallows
When the fall comes again.
In their wings the desire
and the rhythms of freedom.
In their wings the desire
and the rhythms of freedom.
I believe that common decency towards women in men should be standard. It's not. From a woman's perspective, it's not a behaviour that has to be rewarded or praised. Common decency goes both ways. No man embracing this way of living expects anything than the same treatment from women. In fact, it is a practice to apply to anyone, both men, women and children. Sadly, it's not the case.
The world in desperate need of a reform in education that teaches people how to grow being a person, to understand that being either a woman or a man is merely a biological factor. An education that eradicates all clichés on gender, so widespread and so damaging to all.
There is, however, a wave of blame and condemnation towards disrespectful men. It is an immediate reaction to intentional and mindless mistreatment, which is somehow excused according to a group of men's misogynistic Bible, then, often reported by women to the world on social media. It is understandable, and perhaps necessary, so as to spread awareness and critique on one of the current issues that is halting the development of humanity, as well as causing at times an irreparable damage in the relationships between men and women.
Every action causes a reaction.
What many men do not seem to understand is that the actions of one reflects on every other man, or that the woman who has been gone through a negative experience will be conditioned to expect the same behaviour from other men, thus affecting their personal relationships perhaps for as long as a lifetime. The actions of one man can either create a positive or negative energy. The world we live in can only be transformed by the energy we create. This applies to women too. It's not only the responsibility of men to create a better world.
Somehow we are expecting others to come and safe the day, change the world. Apathy won't give us the world we need, but the world we accept.
The response to common decency.
No one should be expected to be praised for their common decency. Reciprocal behaviour should be enough, and this is also widely understood. However, seeing the state of the world, it wouldn't go amiss to let the world know that there are wonderful men out there doing their best with their actions and behaviour to create a different reality that suits the needs of everyone regardless of gender. Most days, and in most cases, these men remain invisible. The one to get the attention is the bad boy. Let's look at this example. A woman works in a coffee shop. Throughout the day she might serve two hundred men. All except for one would treat them politely and with respect. In this case, it is the man misbehaving the one to get the attention and whose actions would reach all corners of the world in the form of a complaint. Following an emotional reaction renders all the other men invisible, misrepresenting the rest of the whole gender.
Social media is an incredible platform to contribute to create a better world through awareness, sharing emotive and positive stories, different practices that might help others to improve their well-being and as result an immediate present. No matter how often this fact is repeated, the Internet is full of images of cats, meals, complaints, threats or acts of defiance, as in, if you do this, beware of my reaction. Social media could contribute to raise consciousness, as well as to improve the levels of conscience so needed in the world. There are wonderful messages to project into the world, articles, blog posts, videos or personal views and messages.
Social media as a platform to raise consciousness.
The energy we create.
While it can't be argued that bad behaviour should not be denounced, the common trend to report every single negative interaction between men and women is only contributing to create further neurosis in a world already neurotic enough. At the same time no one can ask that every sign of kindness, love or respect to be shared on social media. But there is no balance. Giving too much attention to the negative continues creating the image that every man on earth follows the same book. Misrepresenting a whole gender is not the answer either. Women distrust men even before they've been faced with a negative experience. At the same time, men respond to this energy in negative ways, from the belief that he's already guilty until proven innocent. There will never be a positive outcome if the energy that the world continues producing is permanently focused on the negative.
What women want.
The same energy that is used to report bad behaviour could be used to express a woman's desires and wants. Not all men have the same perception, education or level of consciousness. Many people, both, men and women do not know of, or believe that there might be a better reality out there, that different actions and types of behaviour would bring them what they want. It is as simple as letting men know what women want and why. However, the current reality might be loaded with a misrepresentation of what a woman wants in the eyes of men, with a heavy dose of irony, as there is still a large number of women who still choose to fall in the arms of the bad boy. Yes, the irony, that leads to negative experiences and further complaints. A large number of men change their ways, from behaving respectfully to behaving badly because they see that common decency and good ways are not truly appreciated, as well as seeing women they like constantly falling for the man so heavily criticised. While it is clear that the human being is the most irrational of all, it might be time to speak of a criteria that one can also follow.
Looking down on common decency.
Having clarified that praise should not be the standard answer, one should not be looking down on it either, or not to show appreciation. This is also common decency. Until humanity reaches the point that this type of behaviour is golden, as well as silent, and so it should be understood. Many men following this path feel invisible and unappreciated, not because they are not rewarded for their behaviour, but due to the fact that the image that is created of all men is negative, as well as misrepresented. Invisibility is an energy like everything else. He who feels invisible will be invisible to the world. The consequences of this, reach far deeper than what one may think. It leads to frustrating experiences and emotions that might be repressed for a while, even for long periods, but which eventually can only explode. Invisible is also a time bomb.
Moreover, if what one wants is not appreciated, they might never find it or even lose it. One cannot expect to find it again what they let it go assuming that this should be the standard. It is not. Gratitude is a wonderful energy filled with amazing rewards. A plant that is not watered would eventually die. In this case, common decency is a plant bound to die. We can't have what we don't appreciate.
Men and behaviour.
There is a need to establish a new dialogue that creates safe spaces to create and consolidate relationships between and women. Everyone already knows what men are capable of, however, not every man represents a threat to women, nor every man is a rapist. Men have been pushed into a corner where we have to defend ourselves for the fact of having been born male.
Education, awareness and collective consciousness.
A better reality is possible through education and awareness. Those in charge of education won't move a finger to change the educational system because it's not convenient to them. There is a large number of memes, blog posts and articles on the spiritual warrior, which is turning into an online projection of personal image with an air of the mysticism, but which lacks commitment with more serious issues such as education, politics or simply creating awareness that leads to a more widespread idea of consciences, and which, in turn contributes to raise consciousness. Consciousness cannot be raised if before there's not a change in conscience. It is everyone's responsibility to contribute to a new education in whichever way possible. If social media is all we have, let's find educational ways to use it.
The world could change in a day if most of the population had the courage to put their foot down and say enough is enough.
Personal vision and experience.
Personally I put my foot down as soon as I learned of the idiotic ways of patriarchy, which can be traced to my early years. I paid a heavy price then but it also came with amazing rewards which are now paying off. Regardless of all negative behaviour and the atrocities that one human being can commit against another, I still believe there's much hope for humanity, as I see goodness in all, or at least in the majority of people. Otherwise you wouldn't be reading this. Even those who lost their way can be brought back to a kinder and more loving reality.
In regards to relationships with women I've been given enough reasons to hate them all, but I neither hold this feeling for the whole, nor for one in particular. Do I need to report and denounce every mistreatment I've received from the 'opposite' gender? Clearly not. It is my choice to remain loyal to who I am and live with my heart, as well as to choose the energy I project to the world. Instead I'm striving and thriving doing what I can within my possibilities to create a better world. What others did to me, they also did to themselves. However negative or damaging some experiences were, I've also experienced much goodness and love; an incredible abundance of love. How to lead my life it's up to me. We can only lead by example, so as to see others becoming the wonderful representation of the human being they really are, and the true leader that everyone holds within. The only way we can improve the world, as well as the relationships with others is by improving ourselves, and creating that change within. Once this is a reality, the world also changes. There is always that thing called love if one has the courage.
All men are the same
Blame culture: why men are not fully growing
Recently I published an article entitled 'All men are the same' in which I invited men to keep a respectful silence, while listening to this pledge made by most women, if not all, and for a good reason, in order to understand the eternal outcry, but also to explore and find different approaches and communication channels in relationships between genders. What needed to be said in this regard is written on that blog post. It's not today's subject. There's much to be said on this matter, but also a knowing that silence could do more good than harm, accept whatever responsibility each man has and begin to propose collective solutions from the standpoint of education in which every man is active participant, both as a student, and as a teacher. There's infinite wisdom in silence, which in this case is not to be understood as an admission of guilt by association, nor gender belonging. Silence is full of answers.
The world can only be changed with a new education system.
However threatening may be the current view that women have of men, there's a large number of us striving to bring changes, so as to contribute to the healthy transformation of the behaviour, beliefs and actions in men as a collective. Not all men represent, nor are a threat. The seeds are already planted and it is a matter of time until these changes are externalised, thus becoming the norm. It's true that one of the purposes of men is to create supportive spaces that favour both men and women, as well as the environment and all living creatures. Eventually we all will get there, although this alternative is one that is not currently explored by the majority.
There are positives in this equation. Men that are standing as leaders, promoting change by example, but also making conscious efforts to transmit a new message for all men, as well as for generations to come. When the coming generations look back in time not too far from now, they will see us as barbarians, while we continue living under the illusion of being a civilised society. It's not an easy task to transform a collective that for centuries has been subjected to the damaging energy of patriarchal society. While the patriarch is dying, there are still high numbers resisting change, holding on to a system which is decaying and obsolete.
There's also an irrefutable truth, most men do not want to embody the current standard male figure proposed by the patriarch. Knowing how or what to change is part of the problem. Change, whether it's personal or collective is not easy to implement, especially when there's no guidance, nor enough leaders that stand out to promote such change. The vast majority, both men and women, still continues listening to the psycho-babble of the standard world leaders, believing and buying lie after lie.
Social media is an incredible vehicle to bring new ideas, new social and behavioural models that contribute to create healthy changes to society. If used wisely, -which clearly is not-, the time period for such changes would be substantially reduced, and the world would dawn to a new, healthier reality that provides for the needs of everyone sooner. Unfortunately, the internet has become 'Vanity Fair' without the irony, depth, nor subtlety of the social critique that penetrate the human psyche so as to promote and implement any changes.
The internet has become the angry voice of a collective inner child that cannot get what they want functioning on a constant tantrum, beheading anything or anyone that makes them feel uncomfortable.
It is the Era of Being Offended. Anytime is a good time to insult and abuse others. So feeble has the human spirit become in the age of contentment.
Criticism by default.
It is unfair on many men to be heavily criticised for the mere fact of being male. It's conscious men who are keeping the silence, while working on the educational and social changes that must be implemented in order to bring down the tyranny of patriarchal society and raise a new type of man. These are not the men who need praise, although some kind of support wouldn't go unnoticed, nor unappreciated.
How can one help to bring a new reality to this world is a question any conscious person should be asking themselves every day. The answer is to bring the best of ourselves out; the inner revolution. No epic gestures required. This is all one can do, to become the best version of ourselves, and as we thrive in life others would follow. At our best, anyone can become a mentor to others.
The projection of fear doesn't promote healthy changes.
What the world needs is love; as love is what everyone wants. Abuse of any kind or negative criticism are sub-products of fear from whichever angle anyone wants to look at it. Fear has never brought anyone to a healthy change, quite the contrary; it can only cause more damage. Instead of causing a positive change, it helps people to deepen further in their beliefs having the opposite effect. It serves to strengthen and solidify people's ego, creating more resistance to change by perpetuating, and even worsening their behaviour. It's counter productive.
There's no constructive criticism.
A conscious man would be able to debate these subjects without the need to defend himself from standard accusations directed at the collective. It's also the conscious man who works obliged by a vow of sacred silence, but speaking volumes in different ways. However, there are men who having not reached certain levels of understanding on these matters due to lack of exposure, experience or education on healthy choices whose reactions might be violent -not necessarily physically- feeling persecuted for something they never did, crimes they never committed. Many of us do not feel alluded by this blame culture. We know who we are, what to do and where we're going.
The collective accusation towards men, when received personally causes more harm than good. It's no different from the heavy criticism that boys received as children, which in turn leads most people to believe that they're not good enough. The belief that one is bad for the simple fact of having been born a man equals the Christian dogma that claims that everyone has committed the original sin due to another simple fact: having being born.
Shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt play an important part in generating this energy that we keep feeding and throwing against each other, whilst too many believe they're we're morally superior to everyone else. The first reaction is to close down, build a shield, and in the case of men create more violent reactions. Any type of abuse causes a person to retrieve and adopt a defensive position. All persecution leads to resistance.
Living in fear one acts in fear.
While it cannot be asked that certain male actions or behaviour be forgiven, nor condoned, due to their inexcusable nature, it is possible to find healthier channels of communication which praise the good deeds of men too. Not all things male are negative or obscure.
This constant run-run of negativity has a damaging effect on the collective and personal male psyche. It's not the best platform from which one can bring any changes. It gets even worse when this wave of criticism is often due to a simple break up, a date gone wrong or simply meeting a man driven by selfish intentions. While this is certainly subject for a different article, it is necessary to mention that relationships end, and that one has to get used to the end. Everything in life is temporary however painful the experience may be.
It is important to understand that such fierce criticism is also reaching male children and young adults that are not yet fully developed, nor have the understanding or support to comprehend the reach and damage of the legacy of patriarchy. Education needs and has to be changed. There are already educational models which if implemented would bring an amazing, swift social change, which are not being seriously considered. There's a lot to say about apathy and the social involvement of the masses to promote and implement changes.
It's also important to denounce the impact that patriarchal society had on both men and women, but this might be a job for men to take on and re-educate the masses. Perhaps it would be best to leave to men the responsibility to deal with other men in order to bring these changes. Men distrust women's intentions, as women distrust men. The image of an angry woman proceeding to the character assassination of the whole male gender is no different from that of a frustrated, angry mother, to whom boys never listened. No one has an attitude of acceptance to fear, nor anything positive or creative has ever come out of it.
To praise good and conscious actions even in the most unconscious of men plants a seed of love, a sense of personal achievement encouraging the individual to seek more and new positive deeds and ideas. It's a positive and reaffirming validation of the individual, which in love develops and may blossom into a conscious man sooner than later. Constant punishment can only make a man angrier, more frustrated. There are enough angry men already. Let's not contribute to create more.
It's a long road we have ahead, but it's also a feasible one. Another factor that one has to understand is that the efforts made by so many good and conscious men in order to change the current climate suffer when there's criticism coming from all angles.
While men are responsible for giving a step forward, so as to put these changes into effect and create a safe space in which, both women and men can bring in their creativity to make a better world a reality, it is also true that more conscious efforts could be made by women in order to provide support for such movements. We do this together or not at all. Men need women, as much as women need men.
It's essential to build new channels of communication between men and women. Men are listening, willing to find a common ground, different platforms in which both genders may create a dialogue leading to healthier possibilities. This is a rare occurrence.
There's a shamelessly self-declared misogynist recently elected world leader with the support, admiration and vote of women. This fact in itself speaks volumes of the level of collective consciousness. It is necessary to point out that one of the reasons why relationships' dynamics are not changing is due to the fact that we keep choosing as partners, lovers and other forms and shapes of intimate relationships within the same basket. There's a tacit acceptance of what there is, as if the majority had given up on the idea of a better world. Better is possible. Everyone has an incredible potential to create the best version of themselves.
The loneliness of the conscious man.
There are wonderful men out there doing great work on themselves, promoting change, helping other men to create fluid communication with others in order to bring a new light to society, and who are taking on most, if not all the pressure that blame culture is throwing at the male collective. The efforts made are not always recognised. Day after day, these men see how women continue choosing identical partners and the same type of relationships that drives women to complain about the whole. It's not an attractive trait, and one easy to recognise.
The conscious man is patient. They'd rather be alone that engage in partnership with a woman who's still attracted by the same energy they so strongly criticise. It's a lost battle when a woman continues to choose more of the same because there's nothing and no one else around. To the conscious man, love is a plan A. He will only engage with a woman willing to work together on how to build a strong relationship. He might be available, but only to some.
Encouraging growth in men.
There are multiple avenues for a man to grow solidly that are yet to be explored. Men want love as women, regardless of what they may say, or even if they give a different impression. Alternatives are as much as collective as individual. Every man is a different universe. The problem is that men are encouraged to grow following a standard which might not meet particular needs. Finding support and encouragement to do this kind of work is often difficult.
I'm preparing a series of seminars, workshops and webinars which will be ready within weeks in order to build bridges between men and women, as well as giving insights and information on how it is possible to create loving and sacred spaces within a relationship where love, mutual respect and growth, both individually, as well as a couple is possible.
However hard the experience has been so far in life, every day is a new dawn in which to face a new reality. Men need as much appreciation and validation as women do. A new life, a new relationship or how to focus on it requires a new perspective and a new you. In order to find what we want, there are two important elements to consider. First, we have to say no to what we don't want. Two; we have to look until we see what we don't want. The fact that life and the current reality doesn't bring what we want, it doesn't mean that it's not there. We just have to look deeper.
Blaming per se all is one sure way to cut all possible, healthy communication.
Everyone is deserving of love. There are of course people that with their actions and choice of life style make love or relationships an impossibility. This article is not about them. Too often the actions of people are affected by negative experiences of the past, leading them through loveless behaviour to a loveless life, making it almost impossible to either love or be loved. Fear of love is expressed in many ways. It's easier to be feared, than to allow ourselves to love. It's also a defense mechanism so as not to be hurt. Everyone wants to be loved. Whether we know how to ask for love, or we're ready to receive it, it's a different matter.
Unrequited love can be one of the greatest disappointments in someone's life. There might have been a relationship or not. It is human condition to cry more for our defeats than to celebrate our victories. Somehow, when love is not mutual the imprint that the experience leaves in someone's being is enough to set a new belief: that they don't deserve love or they can't get what they want. Nothing farther from the truth.
A negative love experience most certainly opens a wound. It is up to each individual to heal it with love, or to feed it with a loveless life. What we call falling in love is nothing but an energy that everyone holds within and that reemerges and flows abundantly in the company of someone else. This energy is always there. It's who we are. What prevents a person from living in a constant state of being in love is the infamous, as well as erroneous belief that we need someone else to be complete. However magic and wonderful the experience of being in love with another may be, one can reach that point on their own.
Love is and always should be a plan A. The world is full of wonderful people ready to be loved, people who are compatible with you and that could be even a better match than the lover who left or the one that never got to love us. One disappointment does neither condition, nor writes the fate of one's love life. There's always love after love. It's always there. Sometimes not beginning or ending a relationship could be more a blessing than not. For as long as you're alive, there's always another day to live, another romance to experience, another spark waiting ahead to set the house on fire.
Attachment to another person has more to do with ego or pride than with love. You're still the same person, more experienced. It's a good idea to take stock of the relationship to see what your contribution has been. When the attention is focused on the good memories rather than the sense of loss, this exercise can only bring positive aspects of the self, as well as helping to build confidence and self-esteem.
Being single is the perfect time to take care of yourself and grow, and in patience to cultivate a new you, more attractive and magnetic. Seeking love actively is not just going out on dates and meeting possible suitors, it's something that we can do every day while we are alone. There are so many wonderful things one can treat themselves to while alone in order to grow through self-love. The time to believe in love is: always.
Do not settle for plan B. Do not settle for someone you would have not considered in the first instance while your heart was open to someone else. Love is not a consolation prize, and neither are people. It might keep us contented and good company for a period of time, but it would never be enough while still having someone else in mind and heart. It also leads to keep looking for love, to find someone better than the current partner. People do hurt as a consequence of such selfish and mindless actions.
In fact, do not settle for anything other than what you want. Follow your dream with your heart, feel each passionate beat reaching for those things you want.
It could also put someone in a position where having started a relationship with someone might prevent the relationship they desire with someone else they meet along the way. More lost opportunities and possibilities to regret. Thus, life fills with one more "what if!" More ghost to dream of because they were never free at the time they met someone suitable; someone with whom you'll be happy and fulfilled.
Love is patient, and in patience love grows. What we do during this time of patience determines what comes next. There are no substitutes for the lovers that went away. Choose yourself during the periods that you are single. Make yourself a priority. Lead a conscious life. Love will come next. Wait for that man or that woman who lights the spark once again. Love is always in the air. It's only that we might have forgotten to breathe.
Many men struggle when it comes to talking to the woman they're attracted to. Some, in fact struggle to talk to any woman at all. Behind it, there's an undeserving feeling and a belief that tells that their not good enough. Men are not instructed in how to treat with women, nor anything else for that matter. No one teaches us what's truly important. The result is that we find love, relationships or commitment challenging. What would set us free, love, is what we fear most. From an early age, we're told to man up, to toughen up, to remove ourselves from feelings and emotions. That's a "girl's thing!" In turn, the pressure to distance ourselves from our true essence, often brings disastrous consequences that both men and women have to live with maybe for a lifetime.
Men are expected to lead. But how can one lead when leadership is not taught from an early age? People are taught to fit in, to unconditionally belong to society, no questions asked; to keep our heads down and renounce to the most beautiful parts of being human.
Separating from emotions creates an abysmal silence that most men use as a shield to protect their inner truth, which is what eventually would create a healthy connection with everyone else, the world, women and the self.
Men cannot create a true connection with a woman without a deep, emotional element. One gets lost in words. Not truly knowing what to say, we get lost trying explain and over-explain what we don't understand: ourselves, in an attempt to tell others that we're good enough, that we deserve to be loved. Love is not just a feeling, it's a state of being that one only remembers when falling in love. Then words are not necessary, but on the way back to love, we continue explaining, while trying to understand what we are all about.
I've already written about how men are as emotional as women, only that this is expressed in different ways. Here's the blog post if interested: 'Men And Emotions'
Nathan is not his real name. When I met Nathan, he was 25 years old. He was completely disconnected from himself. He exhibited low self-esteem and a frustrating lack of confidence in his natural abilities; abilities that he never used. During our first meeting he exposed every single obstacle that he created in his mind over the years in order not to have a relationship. My response was that any man can have any woman he wants -within reason-, anytime; that the secret is a sense of knowing, which lies covered by patterns of behaviour, beliefs and that it becomes a natural state of being by the choices we make.
It is OK to change our beliefs, especially when new beliefs give us what we most want.
He had no reasons, but excuses.
In his own words, Nathan was overweight, short, not good looking, suffered from low self-esteem and it was obvious that he felt extremely uneasy around women. He kept a good distance from any woman, despite the fact that he was interested in a young girl. He also believed that the only way he could attract the woman of his dreams was by being successful in business. Business and money were his only focus. A means to an end. The problem was that he was neither in business, nor had the money. Thus he created another insolvable problem.
Asking for help.
Everything began to change when he realised that he couldn't achieve what he wanted by himself and asked for help. It's a hard step to take. Men don't like asking for help, as we don't like to ask for directions. We live under an obstinate spell trying to project an image that we're in control. We're not. It was not an easy step to take. At no point I offered any help, nor introduced him to my coaching services. It was his choice to ask. More often than not, we need help to get what we want when we don't know how to get there. Help is always available, but one needs to ask.
I use Gestalt techniques -energy- and psychodrama when working with clients either face to face or online to recreate an experience that shows where the person is at the time. Such experiences reveal the beliefs and perspectives that one has on their current reality. When one beliefs that something is impossible, it does indeed becomes impossible. At the first opportunity Nathan had to talk to women face to face he jumped against the wall, as if he was trying to hide in it. Two minutes earlier he bragged about getting the same girls that were present in the place where we both were.
These experiences are incredibly powerful, as the energy created is conducive for feelings and emotions, but also are eye openers to different possibilities. There were also numerous conversations during our interactions. Once the problem is identified it's easy to focus on the solution and work on it. Focusing on the problem or the beliefs he held are counter-productive. The mind is a master in creating problems.
The heart is a master in finding solutions.
Obsession and patience.
From the moment he signed to work with me he obsessed with reaching results immediately. It's not how it works. One needs to be patient in order to see the problem, accept their limitations while moving towards the solution. He was not.
Talking and treating with women is much easier than what most men believe when it comes from a place of knowing. Knowing is an energy that every man holds within. No exceptions here. It's also a feeling, reason for which blocking emotions for a man is counter productive.
Nathan's urgency prompted him to fixate on a co-worker, an older woman he claimed to have feelings for. He had misinterpreted her friendliness and took it as interest. It was clear that there were no loving feelings. He just wanted to 'close the deal' immediately and find sexual gratification, so as to prove to himself that he could do it. Knowing this I helped him to set a date, making sure that it took place in a safe space. One of the wonderful aspects of Gestalt techniques is that it doesn't allow to cause any harm to anyone.
After two weeks of texting backwards and forward he desisted, realising and later on admitting that he only wanted to take advantage of this woman. Nothing else. Not reaching his 'target' he was truly disappointed, despite the fact that I told him that getting a woman by deception is not something I teach. My work doesn't allow room for casualties. This is how trying to deceive others becomes self-deception.
However calculated his intentions were, during this period he was exposed to his own emotions, revealing where he may have gone wrong, and how his beliefs remained obstacles to what he wanted, it was a positive experience. He managed not only to talk to a woman, but to set a date. Nathan was given ample space and time to identify whether his actions were right or wrong. He was the judge of his own behaviour.
In order to teach Nathan how to connect with the sense of knowing, I had to show him through experience. Wherever we went, there was always a woman 'interested'. As he could see this, he repeatedly asked me how I managed to attract these women. The answer to this was: nothing. I don't do anything. I know. It's a feeling; an energy that's not threatening to women, nor anyone else.
Despite the fact that on every occasion attraction took place I always walked away from the situation. At seeing this, he created a new intention and a new belief. This was that by being near me, he would get to choose among one of those women, as if they were objects that I owned. It was no longer about meeting the right woman. Any woman would do. The truth is, I wanted no one. None of those women were intended for me. Attracting a woman while working with someone would have been a betrayal to the principles I base this work on, as well as being highly unprofessional. The objective of such 'attractions' were to show Nathan that in order to attract a woman, no tricks were necessary; that a man doesn't have to jump in to the first opportunity that's presented.
The fact that we can do something doesn't mean that we have to.
In order to get what we want, often we have to say no to what we don't want.
Heaven and Hell.
More often than not, personal beliefs stop us from getting what we want. Not only Nathan had fallen captive of a cultural belief of hell, he had created a reality that day after day manifested a reality of hell. How this belief transformed during the course of one evening is written here: 'The magical healing power of music.'
Over a period of weeks, his beliefs as well as his self-esteem changed. Nathan grew in confidence. He no longer feared approaching women, although the impossibility to interest a woman still lived with him.
The one mistake he was making now was that whenever he approached a woman, he used the same words and terms that I talked about. Nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that if it's not spoken from the heart, there's not a feeling to transform a belief. At this stage he had hit another wall: lack of authenticity.
Lack of authenticity is the reason why trying to learn tricks in order to 'seduce' women doesn't work. If it doesn't come from the heart, one might be able to manipulate someone else or a situation in order to satisfy a momentary need, but it never reaches someone's heart. It's pointless.
The experience of heaven and hell helped Nathan to open his heart and see multiple possibilities by holding on to an authentic feeling. From then on, teaching him different energies proved to be much easier. After three months of intensive work, the miracle happened. Not only he had lost the fear to talk to a woman, now there was a woman interested in him. My job was done, but there was still a conversation pending.
I reminded him of the first conversation we had months earlier, all the obstacles he talked about, his beliefs. He had not changed physically. He was still overweight, "short" as he described himself, broke and every other excuse he had created for himself. But his perception and beliefs had changed. What he wanted was now possible.
Now he was living with the feeling of knowing, realising that he didn't have to do anything. Just being. No longer there was a need to trick anyone. He 'knew'.
When our work together concluded, I left Nathan with these words: "Now you know. Use it well." Throughout this process, he had learned the benefits of good intentions, as he had experienced the consequences of following a hidden agenda. The choices were open and only for him to decide which direction to take.
Talk to Her.
Talk to her is both, a personalised program, leading any man regardless of their circumstances, to a sense of knowing, so as to be able to approach women in a healthy and confident manner, as well as a book in progress. This service that was limited to face to face meetings is now available online.
Despite the fact that for over twenty years I've been encouraged to offer this service to a wider audience, I've always been reticent to meet a demand that encourages deception as a means to an end. Trying to trick someone into a relationship or merely sex, is just another form of self-deception, a way to reinforce the belief that one is not enough, therefore one feels inclined to control and deceive. Tricks or deception are both byproducts of fear. It might offer temporary 'success', but it's also the first step to the end of any relationship.
It's an empowering process that helps to reconnect to who and what he truly is. Knowing is a powerful state that helps to increases confidence, as well as serving to deal with numerous situations on a daily day basis. The ultimate goal is love; to reawakened the magnet within.
It will also be available in seminars and webinars within months.
As the world is embracing a shift in consciousness, the solutions to our problems go through healthy and conscious choices that anyone can meet. The secret is in the choices we make.
A similar program on dating, relationships and intimacy in order to create more conscious relationships is also available for women either through Skype sessions or face to face, as well as a number of upcoming seminars and webinars.
For more information email: email@example.com
Related articles: 'The High Cost of an Unfeeling Life.'