Recently I published an article entitled 'All men are the same' in which I invited men to keep a respectful silence, while listening to this pledge made by most women, if not all, and for a good reason, in order to understand the eternal outcry, but also to explore and find different approaches and communication channels in relationships between genders. What needed to be said in this regard is written on that blog post. It's not today's subject. There's much to be said on this matter, but also a knowing that silence could do more good than harm, accept whatever responsibility each man has and begin to propose collective solutions from the standpoint of education in which every man is active participant, both as a student, and as a teacher. There's infinite wisdom in silence, which in this case is not to be understood as an admission of guilt by association, nor gender belonging. Silence is full of answers.
The world can only be changed with a new education system.
However threatening may be the current view that women have of men, there's a large number of us striving to bring changes, so as to contribute to the healthy transformation of the behaviour, beliefs and actions in men as a collective. Not all men represent, nor are a threat. The seeds are already planted and it is a matter of time until these changes are externalised, thus becoming the norm. It's true that one of the purposes of men is to create supportive spaces that favour both men and women, as well as the environment and all living creatures. Eventually we all will get there, although this alternative is one that is not currently explored by the majority.
There are positives in this equation. Men that are standing as leaders, promoting change by example, but also making conscious efforts to transmit a new message for all men, as well as for generations to come. When the coming generations look back in time not too far from now, they will see us as barbarians, while we continue living under the illusion of being a civilised society. It's not an easy task to transform a collective that for centuries has been subjected to the damaging energy of patriarchal society. While the patriarch is dying, there are still high numbers resisting change, holding on to a system which is decaying and obsolete.
There's also an irrefutable truth, most men do not want to embody the current standard male figure proposed by the patriarch. Knowing how or what to change is part of the problem. Change, whether it's personal or collective is not easy to implement, especially when there's no guidance, nor enough leaders that stand out to promote such change. The vast majority, both men and women, still continues listening to the psycho-babble of the standard world leaders, believing and buying lie after lie.
Social media is an incredible vehicle to bring new ideas, new social and behavioural models that contribute to create healthy changes to society. If used wisely, -which clearly is not-, the time period for such changes would be substantially reduced, and the world would dawn to a new, healthier reality that provides for the needs of everyone sooner. Unfortunately, the internet has become 'Vanity Fair' without the irony, depth, nor subtlety of the social critique that penetrate the human psyche so as to promote and implement any changes.
The internet has become the angry voice of a collective inner child that cannot get what they want functioning on a constant tantrum, beheading anything or anyone that makes them feel uncomfortable.
It is the Era of Being Offended. Anytime is a good time to insult and abuse others. So feeble has the human spirit become in the age of contentment.
Criticism by default.
It is unfair on many men to be heavily criticised for the mere fact of being male. It's conscious men who are keeping the silence, while working on the educational and social changes that must be implemented in order to bring down the tyranny of patriarchal society and raise a new type of man. These are not the men who need praise, although some kind of support wouldn't go unnoticed, nor unappreciated.
How can one help to bring a new reality to this world is a question any conscious person should be asking themselves every day. The answer is to bring the best of ourselves out; the inner revolution. No epic gestures required. This is all one can do, to become the best version of ourselves, and as we thrive in life others would follow. At our best, anyone can become a mentor to others.
The projection of fear doesn't promote healthy changes.
What the world needs is love; as love is what everyone wants. Abuse of any kind or negative criticism are sub-products of fear from whichever angle anyone wants to look at it. Fear has never brought anyone to a healthy change, quite the contrary; it can only cause more damage. Instead of causing a positive change, it helps people to deepen further in their beliefs having the opposite effect. It serves to strengthen and solidify people's ego, creating more resistance to change by perpetuating, and even worsening their behaviour. It's counter productive.
There's no constructive criticism.
A conscious man would be able to debate these subjects without the need to defend himself from standard accusations directed at the collective. It's also the conscious man who works obliged by a vow of sacred silence, but speaking volumes in different ways. However, there are men who having not reached certain levels of understanding on these matters due to lack of exposure, experience or education on healthy choices whose reactions might be violent -not necessarily physically- feeling persecuted for something they never did, crimes they never committed. Many of us do not feel alluded by this blame culture. We know who we are, what to do and where we're going.
The collective accusation towards men, when received personally causes more harm than good. It's no different from the heavy criticism that boys received as children, which in turn leads most people to believe that they're not good enough. The belief that one is bad for the simple fact of having been born a man equals the Christian dogma that claims that everyone has committed the original sin due to another simple fact: having being born.
Shame and guilt.
Shame and guilt play an important part in generating this energy that we keep feeding and throwing against each other, whilst too many believe they're we're morally superior to everyone else. The first reaction is to close down, build a shield, and in the case of men create more violent reactions. Any type of abuse causes a person to retrieve and adopt a defensive position. All persecution leads to resistance.
Living in fear one acts in fear.
While it cannot be asked that certain male actions or behaviour be forgiven, nor condoned, due to their inexcusable nature, it is possible to find healthier channels of communication which praise the good deeds of men too. Not all things male are negative or obscure.
This constant run-run of negativity has a damaging effect on the collective and personal male psyche. It's not the best platform from which one can bring any changes. It gets even worse when this wave of criticism is often due to a simple break up, a date gone wrong or simply meeting a man driven by selfish intentions. While this is certainly subject for a different article, it is necessary to mention that relationships end, and that one has to get used to the end. Everything in life is temporary however painful the experience may be.
It is important to understand that such fierce criticism is also reaching male children and young adults that are not yet fully developed, nor have the understanding or support to comprehend the reach and damage of the legacy of patriarchy. Education needs and has to be changed. There are already educational models which if implemented would bring an amazing, swift social change, which are not being seriously considered. There's a lot to say about apathy and the social involvement of the masses to promote and implement changes.
It's also important to denounce the impact that patriarchal society had on both men and women, but this might be a job for men to take on and re-educate the masses. Perhaps it would be best to leave to men the responsibility to deal with other men in order to bring these changes. Men distrust women's intentions, as women distrust men. The image of an angry woman proceeding to the character assassination of the whole male gender is no different from that of a frustrated, angry mother, to whom boys never listened. No one has an attitude of acceptance to fear, nor anything positive or creative has ever come out of it.
To praise good and conscious actions even in the most unconscious of men plants a seed of love, a sense of personal achievement encouraging the individual to seek more and new positive deeds and ideas. It's a positive and reaffirming validation of the individual, which in love develops and may blossom into a conscious man sooner than later. Constant punishment can only make a man angrier, more frustrated. There are enough angry men already. Let's not contribute to create more.
It's a long road we have ahead, but it's also a feasible one. Another factor that one has to understand is that the efforts made by so many good and conscious men in order to change the current climate suffer when there's criticism coming from all angles.
While men are responsible for giving a step forward, so as to put these changes into effect and create a safe space in which, both women and men can bring in their creativity to make a better world a reality, it is also true that more conscious efforts could be made by women in order to provide support for such movements. We do this together or not at all. Men need women, as much as women need men.
It's essential to build new channels of communication between men and women. Men are listening, willing to find a common ground, different platforms in which both genders may create a dialogue leading to healthier possibilities. This is a rare occurrence.
There's a shamelessly self-declared misogynist recently elected world leader with the support, admiration and vote of women. This fact in itself speaks volumes of the level of collective consciousness. It is necessary to point out that one of the reasons why relationships' dynamics are not changing is due to the fact that we keep choosing as partners, lovers and other forms and shapes of intimate relationships within the same basket. There's a tacit acceptance of what there is, as if the majority had given up on the idea of a better world. Better is possible. Everyone has an incredible potential to create the best version of themselves.
The loneliness of the conscious man.
There are wonderful men out there doing great work on themselves, promoting change, helping other men to create fluid communication with others in order to bring a new light to society, and who are taking on most, if not all the pressure that blame culture is throwing at the male collective. The efforts made are not always recognised. Day after day, these men see how women continue choosing identical partners and the same type of relationships that drives women to complain about the whole. It's not an attractive trait, and one easy to recognise.
The conscious man is patient. They'd rather be alone that engage in partnership with a woman who's still attracted by the same energy they so strongly criticise. It's a lost battle when a woman continues to choose more of the same because there's nothing and no one else around. To the conscious man, love is a plan A. He will only engage with a woman willing to work together on how to build a strong relationship. He might be available, but only to some.
Encouraging growth in men.
There are multiple avenues for a man to grow solidly that are yet to be explored. Men want love as women, regardless of what they may say, or even if they give a different impression. Alternatives are as much as collective as individual. Every man is a different universe. The problem is that men are encouraged to grow following a standard which might not meet particular needs. Finding support and encouragement to do this kind of work is often difficult.
I'm preparing a series of seminars, workshops and webinars which will be ready within weeks in order to build bridges between men and women, as well as giving insights and information on how it is possible to create loving and sacred spaces within a relationship where love, mutual respect and growth, both individually, as well as a couple is possible.
However hard the experience has been so far in life, every day is a new dawn in which to face a new reality. Men need as much appreciation and validation as women do. A new life, a new relationship or how to focus on it requires a new perspective and a new you. In order to find what we want, there are two important elements to consider. First, we have to say no to what we don't want. Two; we have to look until we see what we don't want. The fact that life and the current reality doesn't bring what we want, it doesn't mean that it's not there. We just have to look deeper.
Blaming per se all is one sure way to cut all possible, healthy communication.
Everyone is deserving of love. There are of course people that with their actions and choice of life style make love or relationships an impossibility. This article is not about them. Too often the actions of people are affected by negative experiences of the past, leading them through loveless behaviour to a loveless life, making it almost impossible to either love or be loved. Fear of love is expressed in many ways. It's easier to be feared, than to allow ourselves to love. It's also a defense mechanism so as not to be hurt. Everyone wants to be loved. Whether we know how to ask for love, or we're ready to receive it, it's a different matter.
Unrequited love can be one of the greatest disappointments in someone's life. There might have been a relationship or not. It is human condition to cry more for our defeats than to celebrate our victories. Somehow, when love is not mutual the imprint that the experience leaves in someone's being is enough to set a new belief: that they don't deserve love or they can't get what they want. Nothing farther from the truth.
A negative love experience most certainly opens a wound. It is up to each individual to heal it with love, or to feed it with a loveless life. What we call falling in love is nothing but an energy that everyone holds within and that reemerges and flows abundantly in the company of someone else. This energy is always there. It's who we are. What prevents a person from living in a constant state of being in love is the infamous, as well as erroneous belief that we need someone else to be complete. However magic and wonderful the experience of being in love with another may be, one can reach that point on their own.
Love is and always should be a plan A. The world is full of wonderful people ready to be loved, people who are compatible with you and that could be even a better match than the lover who left or the one that never got to love us. One disappointment does neither condition, nor writes the fate of one's love life. There's always love after love. It's always there. Sometimes not beginning or ending a relationship could be more a blessing than not. For as long as you're alive, there's always another day to live, another romance to experience, another spark waiting ahead to set the house on fire.
Attachment to another person has more to do with ego or pride than with love. You're still the same person, more experienced. It's a good idea to take stock of the relationship to see what your contribution has been. When the attention is focused on the good memories rather than the sense of loss, this exercise can only bring positive aspects of the self, as well as helping to build confidence and self-esteem.
Being single is the perfect time to take care of yourself and grow, and in patience to cultivate a new you, more attractive and magnetic. Seeking love actively is not just going out on dates and meeting possible suitors, it's something that we can do every day while we are alone. There are so many wonderful things one can treat themselves to while alone in order to grow through self-love. The time to believe in love is: always.
Do not settle for plan B. Do not settle for someone you would have not considered in the first instance while your heart was open to someone else. Love is not a consolation prize, and neither are people. It might keep us contented and good company for a period of time, but it would never be enough while still having someone else in mind and heart. It also leads to keep looking for love, to find someone better than the current partner. People do hurt as a consequence of such selfish and mindless actions.
In fact, do not settle for anything other than what you want. Follow your dream with your heart, feel each passionate beat reaching for those things you want.
It could also put someone in a position where having started a relationship with someone might prevent the relationship they desire with someone else they meet along the way. More lost opportunities and possibilities to regret. Thus, life fills with one more "what if!" More ghost to dream of because they were never free at the time they met someone suitable; someone with whom you'll be happy and fulfilled.
Love is patient, and in patience love grows. What we do during this time of patience determines what comes next. There are no substitutes for the lovers that went away. Choose yourself during the periods that you are single. Make yourself a priority. Lead a conscious life. Love will come next. Wait for that man or that woman who lights the spark once again. Love is always in the air. It's only that we might have forgotten to breathe.
Many men struggle when it comes to talking to the woman they're attracted to. Some, in fact struggle to talk to any woman at all. Behind it, there's an undeserving feeling and a belief that tells that their not good enough. Men are not instructed in how to treat with women, nor anything else for that matter. No one teaches us what's truly important. The result is that we find love, relationships or commitment challenging. What would set us free, love, is what we fear most. From an early age, we're told to man up, to toughen up, to remove ourselves from feelings and emotions. That's a "girl's thing!" In turn, the pressure to distance ourselves from our true essence, often brings disastrous consequences that both men and women have to live with maybe for a lifetime.
Men are expected to lead. But how can one lead when leadership is not taught from an early age? People are taught to fit in, to unconditionally belong to society, no questions asked; to keep our heads down and renounce to the most beautiful parts of being human.
Separating from emotions creates an abysmal silence that most men use as a shield to protect their inner truth, which is what eventually would create a healthy connection with everyone else, the world, women and the self.
Men cannot create a true connection with a woman without a deep, emotional element. One gets lost in words. Not truly knowing what to say, we get lost trying explain and over-explain what we don't understand: ourselves, in an attempt to tell others that we're good enough, that we deserve to be loved. Love is not just a feeling, it's a state of being that one only remembers when falling in love. Then words are not necessary, but on the way back to love, we continue explaining, while trying to understand what we are all about.
I've already written about how men are as emotional as women, only that this is expressed in different ways. Here's the blog post if interested: 'Men And Emotions'
Nathan is not his real name. When I met Nathan, he was 25 years old. He was completely disconnected from himself. He exhibited low self-esteem and a frustrating lack of confidence in his natural abilities; abilities that he never used. During our first meeting he exposed every single obstacle that he created in his mind over the years in order not to have a relationship. My response was that any man can have any woman he wants -within reason-, anytime; that the secret is a sense of knowing, which lies covered by patterns of behaviour, beliefs and that it becomes a natural state of being by the choices we make.
It is OK to change our beliefs, especially when new beliefs give us what we most want.
He had no reasons, but excuses.
In his own words, Nathan was overweight, short, not good looking, suffered from low self-esteem and it was obvious that he felt extremely uneasy around women. He kept a good distance from any woman, despite the fact that he was interested in a young girl. He also believed that the only way he could attract the woman of his dreams was by being successful in business. Business and money were his only focus. A means to an end. The problem was that he was neither in business, nor had the money. Thus he created another insolvable problem.
Asking for help.
Everything began to change when he realised that he couldn't achieve what he wanted by himself and asked for help. It's a hard step to take. Men don't like asking for help, as we don't like to ask for directions. We live under an obstinate spell trying to project an image that we're in control. We're not. It was not an easy step to take. At no point I offered any help, nor introduced him to my coaching services. It was his choice to ask. More often than not, we need help to get what we want when we don't know how to get there. Help is always available, but one needs to ask.
I use Gestalt techniques -energy- and psychodrama when working with clients either face to face or online to recreate an experience that shows where the person is at the time. Such experiences reveal the beliefs and perspectives that one has on their current reality. When one beliefs that something is impossible, it does indeed becomes impossible. At the first opportunity Nathan had to talk to women face to face he jumped against the wall, as if he was trying to hide in it. Two minutes earlier he bragged about getting the same girls that were present in the place where we both were.
These experiences are incredibly powerful, as the energy created is conducive for feelings and emotions, but also are eye openers to different possibilities. There were also numerous conversations during our interactions. Once the problem is identified it's easy to focus on the solution and work on it. Focusing on the problem or the beliefs he held are counter-productive. The mind is a master in creating problems.
The heart is a master in finding solutions.
Obsession and patience.
From the moment he signed to work with me he obsessed with reaching results immediately. It's not how it works. One needs to be patient in order to see the problem, accept their limitations while moving towards the solution. He was not.
Talking and treating with women is much easier than what most men believe when it comes from a place of knowing. Knowing is an energy that every man holds within. No exceptions here. It's also a feeling, reason for which blocking emotions for a man is counter productive.
Nathan's urgency prompted him to fixate on a co-worker, an older woman he claimed to have feelings for. He had misinterpreted her friendliness and took it as interest. It was clear that there were no loving feelings. He just wanted to 'close the deal' immediately and find sexual gratification, so as to prove to himself that he could do it. Knowing this I helped him to set a date, making sure that it took place in a safe space. One of the wonderful aspects of Gestalt techniques is that it doesn't allow to cause any harm to anyone.
After two weeks of texting backwards and forward he desisted, realising and later on admitting that he only wanted to take advantage of this woman. Nothing else. Not reaching his 'target' he was truly disappointed, despite the fact that I told him that getting a woman by deception is not something I teach. My work doesn't allow room for casualties. This is how trying to deceive others becomes self-deception.
However calculated his intentions were, during this period he was exposed to his own emotions, revealing where he may have gone wrong, and how his beliefs remained obstacles to what he wanted, it was a positive experience. He managed not only to talk to a woman, but to set a date. Nathan was given ample space and time to identify whether his actions were right or wrong. He was the judge of his own behaviour.
In order to teach Nathan how to connect with the sense of knowing, I had to show him through experience. Wherever we went, there was always a woman 'interested'. As he could see this, he repeatedly asked me how I managed to attract these women. The answer to this was: nothing. I don't do anything. I know. It's a feeling; an energy that's not threatening to women, nor anyone else.
Despite the fact that on every occasion attraction took place I always walked away from the situation. At seeing this, he created a new intention and a new belief. This was that by being near me, he would get to choose among one of those women, as if they were objects that I owned. It was no longer about meeting the right woman. Any woman would do. The truth is, I wanted no one. None of those women were intended for me. Attracting a woman while working with someone would have been a betrayal to the principles I base this work on, as well as being highly unprofessional. The objective of such 'attractions' were to show Nathan that in order to attract a woman, no tricks were necessary; that a man doesn't have to jump in to the first opportunity that's presented.
The fact that we can do something doesn't mean that we have to.
In order to get what we want, often we have to say no to what we don't want.
Heaven and Hell.
More often than not, personal beliefs stop us from getting what we want. Not only Nathan had fallen captive of a cultural belief of hell, he had created a reality that day after day manifested a reality of hell. How this belief transformed during the course of one evening is written here: 'The magical healing power of music.'
Over a period of weeks, his beliefs as well as his self-esteem changed. Nathan grew in confidence. He no longer feared approaching women, although the impossibility to interest a woman still lived with him.
The one mistake he was making now was that whenever he approached a woman, he used the same words and terms that I talked about. Nothing wrong with this, except for the fact that if it's not spoken from the heart, there's not a feeling to transform a belief. At this stage he had hit another wall: lack of authenticity.
Lack of authenticity is the reason why trying to learn tricks in order to 'seduce' women doesn't work. If it doesn't come from the heart, one might be able to manipulate someone else or a situation in order to satisfy a momentary need, but it never reaches someone's heart. It's pointless.
The experience of heaven and hell helped Nathan to open his heart and see multiple possibilities by holding on to an authentic feeling. From then on, teaching him different energies proved to be much easier. After three months of intensive work, the miracle happened. Not only he had lost the fear to talk to a woman, now there was a woman interested in him. My job was done, but there was still a conversation pending.
I reminded him of the first conversation we had months earlier, all the obstacles he talked about, his beliefs. He had not changed physically. He was still overweight, "short" as he described himself, broke and every other excuse he had created for himself. But his perception and beliefs had changed. What he wanted was now possible.
Now he was living with the feeling of knowing, realising that he didn't have to do anything. Just being. No longer there was a need to trick anyone. He 'knew'.
When our work together concluded, I left Nathan with these words: "Now you know. Use it well." Throughout this process, he had learned the benefits of good intentions, as he had experienced the consequences of following a hidden agenda. The choices were open and only for him to decide which direction to take.
Talk to Her.
Talk to her is both, a personalised program, leading any man regardless of their circumstances, to a sense of knowing, so as to be able to approach women in a healthy and confident manner, as well as a book in progress. This service that was limited to face to face meetings is now available online.
Despite the fact that for over twenty years I've been encouraged to offer this service to a wider audience, I've always been reticent to meet a demand that encourages deception as a means to an end. Trying to trick someone into a relationship or merely sex, is just another form of self-deception, a way to reinforce the belief that one is not enough, therefore one feels inclined to control and deceive. Tricks or deception are both byproducts of fear. It might offer temporary 'success', but it's also the first step to the end of any relationship.
It's an empowering process that helps to reconnect to who and what he truly is. Knowing is a powerful state that helps to increases confidence, as well as serving to deal with numerous situations on a daily day basis. The ultimate goal is love; to reawakened the magnet within.
It will also be available in seminars and webinars within months.
As the world is embracing a shift in consciousness, the solutions to our problems go through healthy and conscious choices that anyone can meet. The secret is in the choices we make.
A similar program on dating, relationships and intimacy in order to create more conscious relationships is also available for women either through Skype sessions or face to face, as well as a number of upcoming seminars and webinars.
For more information email: firstname.lastname@example.org
Related articles: 'The High Cost of an Unfeeling Life.'